Small Droppings

I distinctly remember each time in my life when I was skinny.  I can get skinny but I don't stay there - I am doing something I can't maintain - mostly by bordering on compulsive/obsessive eating habits - trying not to eat every single second of every day - weighing myself 20 times a day - and being that annoying bitch who dominates every conversation by talking about her 'diet' and she's not really even all that fat! The first time I got 'fat' my mom actually sent me to the country doctor to get some black beauties (speed) because she knew a neighbor girl who he gave them to and she lost weight.  The funniest part of that doctor visit was that they kept asking me if I was there to get birth control - they thought I was too embarrassed to admit I was having sex! I left there with a 1,000 calorie a day diet and no pills. Fast forward to 40 years later and I'm dating a musician and going out to hear live music almost every night and dancing my ass ...

I think planning a trip to the grocery store is the real reason a lot of people become agoraphobic - I just feel paralyzed - which is why I end up darting to the store for a 'few things' several times a week and grabbing protein bars and cans of white tuna in water.  Sure, I have lots of experience with planning meals for special occasions and I'm really good at it - but here is the thing - I know I need to plan to spend the extra money to make all the recipes - whereas planning what to eat just for myself for an entire week - and let's not forget that it needs to be healthy too so I can drop a few pounds - well that mentally feels like an impossible feat - I mean, how can I pay for all this on my retirement salary?  And let's face it - how much fun is it to cook just for yourself?  Which is why I stick to steamed broccoli with cheese, protein shakes, and apples with natural peanut butter for instance - but I have to admit - this is not working.  I am staying ar...

Fatty I am daily conscious of how encouragement, support and just down right love are so important to our well being - to our state of mind- to our hearts. I think I used to be a lot meaner than I am now - I had a sarcastic sense of humor and a biting tongue.  I watched a documentary about Nora Ephron, "Everything is Copy" and was reminded of my old self - not that I have attained sainthood yet - but I definitely am more compassionate than I used to be. I think part of my old smart-ass-ness had a lot to do with being young and attractive and the social status that afforded me -  but of course under all the confidence I exuded was an insecure woman.  So it is important for me to feel supported and not harshly judged when I go to exercise class.  I am happy to say that all of the staff and students at the Bar Method have been super supportive and I regularly hear the teachers praising the students during class - which really helps to keep me motivated to get to c...

I guess some people aren't big fans of potty humor - which I really can't understand because I feel it portrays the best of a childlike innocence where everything the body does is fascinating.  The video is my 2 year old Granddaughter Eleanor playing with her toy kitty which was a Christmas present from Grammy Tammy - all I really want when I sit on the toilet is to feel that sense of accomplishment that Eleanor has when she proclaims "Good job!".  But funny as I find the subject - having difficulties with elimination is a real bummer!  My latest experience with constipation unfortunately was just a couple weeks ago - I went out of town for 2 weeks during which I just could barely squeeze a rabbit turd out.  For those of you who don't have problems in this area - I am sure you are stunned - two weeks!  I did try eating salads and a usual remedy of cooked barley - but still no action.  And I refuse to take anything to make me go!  When I take laxa...

This is me the week of my 60th birthday - not bad for 60 right? Yet, I'm not completely happy with the way I look - not completely comfortable with my body to be more precise.  My Dad lovingly called me 'butterball' when I was a toddler - before my legs were long enough to give me a slender silhouette.  My first memory of thinking my body wasn't good enough was when I was in the 6th grade - my boobs hadn't grown yet and one of my girlfriends told me to eat tiny bites of white bread and drink water and they would grow - so I did it and my family assumed I was trying to diet and made fun of me - I was pretty much the perfect size - that's just how fucked up our culture is - they assume you want to lose weight even when you are slim.  What am I not satisfied with you ask?  Well, this is a long list - because hey - I live and grew up in America - and all the unrealistic standards of what it is to be beautiful in this culture. So let me restrict the list to jus...

A 'small dropping' is like straining and straining to produce something and all that you get is this little kernel - and you feel so unproductive - and when people ask you how it is going you dejectedly say, "Nothing but rabbit turds". This is how I've felt for years when it comes to straining to tweak all the many aspects needed to become my ideal self.  So here we are in 2018 and I'm 60 years old and asking myself, "If not now - when?" I mean, I've been working on some of this same shit for over 50 years!  So, feeling in the spirit of the new year, I strained and strained and produced a small dropping in the form of a quicksand metaphor of the goals and barriers I experience. There was the quicksand composition and how that manifests - then what it's like to be in the quicksand followed by why do I give a fuck? and what am I going to do about it?  Let's take my physical body for instance - from YMCA exercise classes to Jazzerci...